Gold Penises, Feathers and Body Paint: The 2011 Pirelli Calendar, shot by Karl Lagerfeld

There are few things I get as excited about as the Pirelli Calendar release.  This is because I get boners for anything glamour photography related in general, and I assumed this year would be no exception since Uncle Karl was at the helm and this years theme was mythology.*

In case you're unfamiliar with the Pirelli Calendar, let Momma Wikipedia illuminate you.

The Pirelli Calendar is a trade calendar published by the Pirelli company's UK subsidiary. It has become an annual publication that dates back to 1964.

The calendar is famous for its limited availability because it is not sold and is only given as a corporate gift to a restricted number of important Pirelli customers and celebrity VIPs. The Pirelli Calendar is perhaps the world's only prestigious and exclusive "girly" calendar, featuring pictures generally considered glamour photography including artistic nudes.

Publication was discontinued after the 1974 issue as an economising cut back in response to the world recession from the oil shock. It was resurrected 10 years later and has been published regularly since then.

Appearance on the calendar has become a mark of distinction for those photographic models that are chosen, as well as for the photographers commissioned to produce the images used. Over the years the supermodels and celebrities who have appeared have included Sienna Miller, Naomi Campbell, Eva Riccobono, Malgosia Bela, Gisele Bündchen, Emanuela de Paula, Sonny Freeman Drane, Kate Moss, Cindy Crawford, Selma Blair, Lauren Bush, Elsa Benitez, Laetitia Casta, Rachael Leigh Cook, Milla Jovovich, Doutzen Kroes, Heidi Klum, Sophia Loren, Penélope Cruz, Brittany Murphy, Amy Smart, Julia Stiles, Karolina Kurkova, Caroline Trentini, Raica Oliveira, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bridget Moynahan, Shannyn Sossamon, Mena Suvari, Monet Mazur, Aurelie Claudel, Fernanda Tavares, Isabeli Fontana, Frankie Rayder, Angela Lindvall, Hilary Swank and Yamila Díaz.

(Too bad Shannyn Sossamon got a case of Mischa Barton syndrome.  Bitch was hot.  I think the syndrome was a karma thing for naming her kid AUDIO SCIENCE.)

Unfortunately, these photos are boring and uninspired as shit.  They're also not provocative or sensual at all.  Truth be told, I don't think Uncle Karl's much of a photographer for the female form.  Just look at how much better the photos become when there's a penis in the picture!

Images via Touch Puppet <3

I went ahead and started you off with a decent one. 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I like this one, but it doesn't take any photographic talent to make Daria Werbowy look good.

Nippes and body paint...usually !!! but somehow zzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




You know, people talk shit about J. Moore, but I think she's a pretty goddamn good model.  Actress?  No.  Model?  Yes.

 

I'd wear this Hermes headbandy thing forealz.

Who's the basic bitch on the right? Zzz.  Good thing Lushy McPillow Lips and E. Wasson are keeping it real.

Gold. Penis.

*I am a huge mythology buff.  I've read hundreds (no, I am not kidding) of mythology books on Greek, Roman, Hindu, Gaelic and Norse mythology.   I know a sprinkle of Asian myths but for some reason, they never captivated me like other cultures.  And my favorite pantheon, probably because of my obsession with astrology, is Greek/Roman.