Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Hook and Chain

Giles & Brother, $115


A trend I've been noticing creeping steadily back into the NPFL (Normal Person Fashion Landscape) is the WING. Wing earrings, wing necklaces, wing motifs on clothing. This is horrendous.

GAH!!! This shit is so fugtastic!!!

Don't get me wrong. I had some wing shit, from Urban Outfuckers if we're being honest, and I rocked it ALL THE TIME. I had earrings in gold and a necklace in silver. At the time, this was FRESH. I had never seen ANY bitches wearing wing shit, so I felt avant garde and fly as fuck sporting my angelic motifed nonsense, as probably all bitches rocking this shit do. The different is THAT WAS ALMOST 10 YEARS AGO and THIS CRAP IS OVER! DEAD! DONE! The chapter has been closed! The book is finished! Burn it on the fire!

We had visitors over a while back and one was a 30-something from Illinois. This girl actually looked almost EXACTLY like Mariah Carey, and was rocking (get this) flared jeans, platform heels, a zip up hoodie over a halter tank top and ANGEL WING EARRINGS. It was as if someone had DIRECTLY STEPPED OUT OF A TIME MACHINE FROM 2001. She was super nice (albeit a bit slow) so we'll leave her here, but my point is THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BRING BACK FLARED JEANS WITH HEELS AND HOODIES. AND THEY'RE BRINGING TRENDS LIKE WINGED JEWELRY WITH THEM.

Okay, I know fashion is cyclical, don't send me emails about how all trends come back at some time or another, I'm well aware. I suppose I'm just not ready for THIS trend to come back. It's akin to...well, moon boots or sheer ponchos, you know? It seems like a good idea at first, but then you realize the only people who wear it are the types who vote for Bush and watch Teen Mom? You dig?

It's unfortunate the way of the wing felt to such a demise, as I actually enjoy the aesthetic of it. Wings are, of course, beautiful; they belong to birds, butterflies and angels. Unfortunately, these are all things that appear on stupid shit at Wal-Mart and ruin it for the rest of us. I beg you, world-leave the wings where they belong. On the backs of things, not on your ugly ass. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Shit I Actually Saw on the Street Today

Whilst walking back to my wonderful loft from the post office, my eyes stumbled across a bitch who was, well, stumbling down the street. This ladyperson personified a type of "high heel walk" I like to call:


If you actually decide to brave this heartwarming yet FUCKING ANNOYING video of a sweet baby giraffe trying to learn how to walk and stand on its awkwardly long legs, you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. Bitches who can't walk in heels look like baby giraffes!!!

Anyway, let me get down to details. My eyes were initially drawn to the fact it was 2 p.m. and this trick was wearing MASSIVE fuck me platforms-they were beige, but if you're going to wear shoes like that, you need to make sure the rest of your outfit is daytime appropriate. Now, for me to say you look like a whore is a pretty bold statement. First, I love whores. Second, I love dressing like a whore for the most part; I'm never going to hate on someone with nice legs or tits or a flat tummy showing that shit off. However, if you're a lumpy legged broad who can't walk in heels, you MIGHT want to consider wearing, say, pants. Or perhaps shorts? Instead of a FUCKING SILK DRESS!

Oh God! This chick was wearing a SILK DRESS, HUGE PLATFORMS, AVIATOR SUNGLASSES and a FEATHERED HEADBAND. It was like every trend from 2005 coming back to haunt me.

If I had my wits about me, I would have taken a picture of this trick. I mean, I HAD my phone. Instead, I'll have to attempt to recreate this look via random Google images.

Okay, now imagine the dress is yellow and grey, the shoes are beige, and this ensemble is being worn by a chick who can't walk in the heels she's got on. Now also imagine she keeps grabbing into her boyfriends hand to steady herself and also imagine her dress straps keep falling off. As in, every 2-5 seconds they fall down her arms.

She essentially looked like a West Hollywood reject at 4 a.m. IN DOWNTOWN, at 2 P.M. The cherry on the sundae though was that you could really tell both her and her man thought she looked FUCKIN DOPE.

Dude, guys. I...I just don't know.

And they walked into my building! Jesus! I need to move.


Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Yacht Life

Bikinis are one of the things I am desperate to learn to make myself, for multiple reasons.

1. I wanna be on a yacht for most of the year at some point (please, God?)

2. It's hard to find a bikini that'll fit a girl with tits and ass without looking matronly or obscenely whorish

3. Bikinis are notoriously expensive, which is some bullshit!

With that being said, let's look at some of my favorite overpriced pieces of body floss which be ON SALE! at Vicky's now.

$18 a piece, not bad! I'm a smidge scared that gold will be absolutely garish in person (gold fabric is notorious for this trait), but atleast for $36 you won't cry over it.

Sometimes a trick just needs something simple. $12.99 for the top and $8.99 for the bottom should do it! I'm a fan of cobalt for the season, but there's hot pink and shit for those who like to sizzle rather than smolder. This top looks like it'll keep your rack in place, too, which is essentially invaluable.

I don't know what it is about stripes, but I just can't get enough of them. I must be a Hollister girl after all (shudder!). Anyway, while I doubt this shit would reign my boobs in, you have to admit it's cute. The little chain detail on the bottom is what REALLY got me. $22.99 for the top and $17.99 for the bottom. Hardly on sale, in my opinion, but...stripes!!!

This comes in other colors, but don't kid yourself: a bitch can only get away with a GOLD HEART accented bandeau top bikini when it's in a sexy ass peach shade like this. The way it'll make your skin glow will distract people from thinking you're still in middle school. $18 per piece.

Aight. You guys KNOW I can't resist looking like an Italian hooker sometimes, and this fits the BILL!!! The $100 bill, ya heard?! Some ho shit like this can't be passed up for $50. The back is horrendous but I doubt anyone will be looking at your back anyway.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Quirky Black Girl WIN

I can't believe it, Solange.  You've actually worn something I like.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sexualized Leather

There is something about soft, supple leather that just turns me on. YEAH BABY! Add that with structuralized design and you've basically set yourself up for an eyeball orgasm.

Fleet Ilya

Alexander Wang



Marc Jacobs


Spikes and Chains and Crosses OH MY

The Art of Bondage

A trend I love DESPITE it's complete newfound homogeny is BONDAGE ACCESSORIES.  A handful of you might remember Sienna Miller wearing a bondage harness out and about in 2006 which promptly caused a slew of ho's to jump on her look (Rihanna included).

This was JUST when the Gareth Pugh, tough look was starting to come into mainstream play, and boy howdy has it run amok!  Now any bitch can run off to Forever 21 and stock up on cuffs, suspenders, and gags (okay maybe not GAGS but don't worry it'll come) and all sort of other shit to complete her "S&M naughty girl" look.  Ugh. No personality.

Some of my favorite Gareth looks.

With that said, I do really enjoy a well executed bondage accessory, something that is high quality and will last a while, because in all reality, bondage accessories really only look good when they're high quality.  Low qualiity leather looks are a bit too Hot Topic for my tastes.

Fleet Ilya's prices are ridiculous.  As in, I don't fucking care WHERE you got this leather or if virgins from Spain (there are none) handstitch this shit on a mountain of unicorns, BUT it's shot beautifully and can be used as an endless source of inspiration. I personally am planning on working with leather and metal in the future and I love these concepts.

Naughty, naughty!