Temporary Tattoos

I love tattoos.  I applaud anyone who had the mental fortitude to stick something on themselves for an extended period of time.  I can't even stick with a hair color.

On that note, enter the temporary tattoo.  If you're a child of the 80's like me, you probably remember the 25 cent temp tattoos you could get at Shakey's or random super markets; the kinds that slapped a vagely opaque sticker on your skin which would then roll off in nasty patches as if you were a leper.  MMMM, memories.

But guess what?! Temp tattoos are back! Chanel threw that shit on the runways last year, and there are e-gads of companies jumping on the bandwagon.

Chanel:

TEMPTU presents Dereon:

Urban Decay:

I, for one, love this idea. Much like you can throw on false eyelashes, wigs, and makeup, why not throw on a piece of decoration which is the ideal cross between makeup and jewelry?

I'm in.

Nude Heels

I don't remember when I realized nude heels were God's perfect shoe, but I'm pretty goddamn glad that I did.  Nude heels elongate the leg while assisting in somehow making legs look skinnier.  They also don't break the visual "line" of the leg which is important.

The tricky thing with nudes is to get the tone right.  Some nudes are more mocha; some are too pale; some are almost mauve.  The best color nude for most people is a "pale tan". Yes it's a fucking contradiction, deal with it.  Here's a picture of my mug to show you what I'm talking about:

I'm obv on the right. See how these heels are sort of brownish but pale?  This is a good shade of nude for the average person.

Image via my awesome ass blog FOX OF THE YEAR

And now a similar shade on me when I'm a thousand times tanner:

Man, I miss being tan.

Anyway, you get the point. Some types of nudes to avoid:

Jesus FUCK I am tired of this shoe!!! It's bad enough without the hideous platform on it, which seems to be all the rage right now. Steer clear of these shoes, ladies. Unless you're into looking like a Forever 21 version of Kim Kardashian.

Mmkay, this is too BROWN. Even on brown toned skin, you want to go with a slightly pinker, paler nude. Unless you like giving your skin a "poopy" glow.

Stop it with these red soles, chicks. Even if you're wearing real Louboutins, red soles on NUDE shoes look tacky. Remember how the art of the nude shoe is NOT BREAKING THE VISUAL LINE? You don't want to do it from the back, either!  For most of you, the back angle is better than the front, so don't ruin it.

Here are some of my favorite nude heels, for Ingrid and Kara. <3

Report Signature, $194.50 at Endless 

I have these in the copper color so I'm partial to them...plus, they fit like a DREAM!!! Endless is a great store, but I found my pair on eBay and I've also seen them on Ideeli.com for about $80 bucks. NEVER PAY RETAIL, LADIES.

DKNY Elyard Mule, $245 at Endless

A mule can almost ONLY be pulled off in nude, in my opinion.  Unless you like looking like a milkmaid or a chick from the 90's at a grunge show trying to be classy avoiding boots.

Loeffler Randall Paige Sandal, $550 at Endless

This could possibly be the world's PERFECT NUDE SHOE.  It's the perfect shades and has see through panels!!! Hello!!! This is magical!

My first pair of nude heels was from Victoria's Secret, so I'm partial to their line of shoes.  Plus, if they're Colin Stuarts, they won't make you go bankrupt just trying to look flossy.

Colin Stuart Cut-out Bootie, $85

VERY seriously considering buying these...even in YELLOW.

Colin Stuart Open-toe Bootie, $109

Okay, $109 for VS is some WTF shit, but hot damn do I love these!!!! Tassels, almost Cuban heels and open toes? Say YES.

And my final and actual best suggestion for nude heels is eBay.  eBay's shoe selection is INSANE!!! Just search "nude heels" and enter your size and see what comes up.

xx



Nail Victory: Red and Gold

Minx Manicure, from Lovely Jublies!

Victoria's Secret Wins and Losses, February 2011!

Victoria's Secret has an odd clothing selection-their shit seems to fall into categories like "business lady", "Italian hooker", "30 year old woman who still thinks she's 15" and "disco ball".  However, every now and again you'll find shit which can only be called awesome. Without further adieu, VS's Spring Collection Wins and Losses for February 2011!

W I N S

Back Ruffle Skirt, $39.50

A fresh and "just sexy enough" twist on a skirt for dinner or work. The draping is actually rather artful.

Dolman Crewneck Sweater, $58

A nice spring/summer sweater suitable for the beach or layering.

High-neck Crochet Sweaterdress. $68

I know what you're thinking...this is dangerously close to Italian hooker wear! True, but I'm REALLY into the high-neck look right now, and I adore anything with an emphasis on the bust. I say get this in black to cut down the hooker feel.

Linen Sweater, $34.50

This is linen. Enough said.

Burnout Boyfriend V-Neck T, $39.50

I don't know where VS gets off charging $40 for a t-shirt, but the color selections are pretty dope and I'm a fan of the floppy boyfriend look.

L O S S E S

VS Kiss Foil Print Jeans, $69.50 

Testing the boundaries of Italian hooker-dom is this pair of jeans. FOIL PRINT. CAPRIS. JUST SAY NO.



Drape-back Cami, $49.50

Ohhhh boy. Not only is this hideous creation $40.00 over the price it would be at any second rate mall in America, it's also SEQUINED.  Yes, ladies, the "exposed bra" portion of this top is sequined. I'll see you guys at the club tonight!

Leopard Print Cardigan, $68

Someone woke up the day this was designed dreaming about a sparkly leopard in a disco.  That's the only inspiration I can fathom here, because this sweater is SPARKLY, CROPPED, GREEN, and LEOPARD PRINTED. It's like everything men are afraid of, in one sweater.

Denim Miniskirt, $49.50

This is insanely hideous. And if it fits this shitty on the model, think of it on a real person's ass.

"Edgy" Leona Lewis

People keep busting on this chick, but I like her new look!

What do you think?

The black skirt/lip top combo is my favorite.  The shoes suck ass, though.

Wins and Losses: Oak NYC 2011

Oak NYC sells a bunch of lovely shit which is overpriced as FUCK! Chances of me actually spending money at their site: 0% (when I want to blow cash, I head to Fred Segal down the street). However, I don't damn mind window shoppin' at their site, so here are the wins 'n losses for February 2011!

WINS

Oak Black Label: Fringe Clutch, $416

I love quality leather (sorry, animals) and I love fringe.  I saw a fringed purse at Fred Segal last week I almost creamed my panties for (it's also $350...WTF) and decided to see what Oak had that was similar.  Answer: something more expensive. Goddamn it!

Oak Caviar Square Collar Linen Sweater, $162

Linen sweater?! Bad ass!  Even more bad ass is the fact you can button it a variety of ways, making you feel smarter for spending almost $200 on a fucking sweater.

Sally Lapoint Black Hip Mini Dress, $748

Unlike this model, I have a rack.  That means I love deep v's, as they're basically billboards for what God or your surgeon blessed you with.

LOSSES

Oak Black Mesh Pierced Legging, $138

People, can we get over this TRON look? It was fresh in 2007, but that was 5 years ago.  GIVE IT UP! Also,Oak: these are nylons, not leggings.

Irregular Choice Black Eat Me Whole Sandal Boot, $189

When are we going to stop this "Frankenstein" boot trend?! I feel like the whole world just wants to end up on the Man Repeller blog, so they keep trying to make chicks wear uglier and uglier shit.  I dunno about you, but I like it when my feet look SEXY.


Harmon Army Fisherman Pants, $388

Ladies: YOU TOO can spend $400 to look like a homeless person on a dock!!! I was reading an article in Glamour (I think...whatever, it was ONE of those stupid fluffy magazines designed to act as Novacaine to your brain) where Andy Samburg said the dudes who grew up in the 90's were the only recent decade of men who missed the "girls in tight pants" trend.  You may remember, the 70's had tight bellbottoms, the 80's had tight skinny jeans, and then the 90's suddenly were all about baggy pants and overalls! F-bomb that! I've got amazing legs and I like to show them off.  I can get behind a harem pant and the occasional loose slack look, but this is just ridiculous.  Army pant PLUS fisherman pant?! Does this come with a penis?  Sure doesn't come with a mirror.

OakNYC

LOL @ Wildfox

One of my favorite brands to mock is Wildfox.  I love the name, love the marketing, and love some of the designs, but HOW IN THE NAME OF SWEET JESUS DO THESE PEOPLE GET OFF CHARGING $100+ FOR A PRINTED SWEATSHIRT?! My God, it's really just proof people are fucking retards.  I'm actually reading a book about sales and psychology and truly, your shit sells better when it's overpriced.  Yes, it's true!  In the same way you tell yourself that $600 canvas purse with someone else's initials on it is worth it because it was "made in France" and is "hand stitched", you'll justify spending $100 on a sweatshirt with a heart on it. Oh, humans. You are so silly.

Here's some shit to LOL at.

This is cute! I'd buy this if it were $5.  Retail price: $77 LOLOLOL

Here's another thing I would buy if it was $5! Girls like me looove bones because we're creepy.  This shirt, used, is $50. LOLOLOL

I love hearts, especially because VALENTINE'S DAY is coming up!!! I'd spend...$20 on this.  Maybe $30. Guess the retail price! $108. Yes.  Not $100...$108. LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLL

I'm totally going to start a clothing company where I draw, in Sharpie, on white t-shirts and charge $100 a pop for them. Mark my words.

I love you, America.

WTF, Lindsay Lohan? A 6126 Review

I'm not here to lie to you people: I think Lindsay Lohan is hilarious. I love people who are fans of excess, and La Lohan is certainly on that bandwagon.  She's a be-weaved, be-tanned, be-coked-out washed up trick at the age of, what, 25? AWESOME! She knows how to party!  Who fucking cares about her weird ass family past and bisexuality?  I say: go on, girl. Also, please stop dying your hair blonde.  It looks bad.

Anyway, another thing I like about La Lohan is her line of clothes, 6126. Whatever issues Lohan's got, the girl can DRESS-almost every time I see her in a magazine or online, she looks good.  So unlike everyone else who laughed at her decision to do a clothing line, I had high hopes.

6126 isn't a new line; it's already been around a handful of years but I didn't start paying attention to it until it started popping up on eBay.  Sorry, Lohan-there's no way I'm going to pay $100+ for leggings no matter how many dick sucking knee patches you throw on them.  I will, however, pay $20 for a dress that's been worn once or twice.  The only thing is...this shit is fit for midgets!

This dress, for instance, is fucking awesome.  I'm a HUGE (I can't tell you how huge) fan of reds, grays, and chevron patterns, and this goddamn dress has ALL THAT SHIT! The only caveat? IT IS COOCHIE CUTTER SHORT.  Might as well call this shit a shirt!

Exude vogue style in this breathtaking minidress. The sweet/sexy charm of this dress makes it suitable for both day and night.

Yeah, daytime...if you're in the porn industry.

Lindsay wore a dress like this a few years back, minus the sequins, and I LOVED IT.  While it does show you she's a scandelous ass copycat, you kinda can't hate on this dress-it's an amazing party number.  My manfriend's best friend's girlfriend (whew) wore this for New Years, though, and despite being something like 5 feet tall, her cooch was almost on display the entire night.  If your dresses are so short even an ASIAN is too big for them, you're in trouble with your sizing. Look at the second picture!  Even the model's ass is about to fall out!

WTF, Lohan! I know you're a tiny girl, but think about the rest of us!  Add a couple of inches to your shit, please.

Strippers everywhere lose their incomes thanks to the influx of vagina flashing on street corners everywhere...for FREE.

eBay Weddin's

My friend Erin and I were discussing eBay this weekend, and she was telling me the amount of wedding dresses on eBay is staggering! I guess the days of "saving" the old thing are gone! While I could give two shits about weddings, I already have my dress planned out.  It's going to be skin tight and hooded.  But that's just me.

Anyway, our conversation inspired me to see what kind of vintage wedding dress one can get at any given time on eBay for less than $300.  Here are the winners!

 This dress is absolutely flawless and elegant.

 We're pushing the use of the word "vintage" with this dress, but for whatever reason, I LOVE this.  It's sort of cliche, sort of boring, but lovely nonetheless.  The fit is incredible, and I like the mermaid cut and deep V in the back. Scallop edges set the cut perfectly.

 I love the back detail on this and the subtle sexiness of the clingy fabric. Always a fan of bell sleeves, too.

 Did somebody say hippie wedding?!

Okay, this dress is obviously for a small person, and the sleeves desperately need to be cut off, but look at that TRAIN.  Mezmerizing.

 It's the bow that does it for me with this one. I like the simplicity of it, though.  Very summer at the beach wedding, or garden party.

This dress is busted.  CAUSE IT'S FROM the 30's!!! The Fitzgerald fan in me see's a pincurled beauty with an amazing body wearing this sheer, striped dress. 

This isn't a dress, obviously...but it's AMAZING!!!

Oo la la!